


The Anus

by Calicornia



Series: The Anus [4]
Category: Naruto, Super Dangan Ronpa 2, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:00:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28471287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calicornia/pseuds/Calicornia
Summary: It came.
Series: The Anus [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2073642
Kudos: 2





	The Anus

“Unnus anus.” Caveman Markiplier chanted, his caveman markers scrawling on the cave walls in his caveman cave. “Unnus anus.”    
  
He was writing down every subsequent year by hand. Twentytwentyfourteen. Twentyreddit. Twentyhomophobia. Twentydrawherfarting. Twentylarsandfugogotmarried. Twentyunusannus. Twentynothomophobia. Twentygayteen. Twentybiteen. And lastly.   
  
Twentymarkiplier.   
  
He walked away from his newly produced calender, a smile on his caveman face. He walked over to his caveman clock, and set a time on it. Twentymarkiplier showed up on the caveman screen.   
  
The clock starts now.   
  
Koichi was on his way to the Koichifits reunion concert. A happy day for the young man, because he had lifetime backstage passes thanks to being born at one of their concerts prematurely. He was wearing all their merch, including their uhhhh...

  
  


John Koichi himself sat in the backseat of Koichi’s car. How did he get there?

“How did you get here?!” Koichi screamed, his mother--Mom Ascension Koichi-- nearly sweared off the road and onto the other road. 

“Oi mate, I ‘ave no idea” The frontman said, taking in his surroundings. “One minute I’m breathin’ in the chemicals and the next I’m here” 

Koichi got a whiff of the chemicals and passed out. When he opened his eyes again he was in an ambulance, but not just any ambulance. He was in the ambulance that was on stage at the Koichifits concert. 

  
  


“Vroom vroom!” shouted Beach Boy, the frontman of the Koichifits, “Vroom vroom he’s riding the Koichimobile vroom vroom!” Beach Boy shred his microphone, his fangirls throwing bras and panties at him. They weren’t theirs. Koichi tried to sit up, but was immediately forced down.

“You aren’t in shape to mosh, son.” Dr. Bartjime Anasui was holding the gnome down with one hand, and Koichi down with another, “You’re lucky I’m even allowed to give you this surgery on stage.”   
  
“Surgery?” Koichi questioned, trying to catch a glimpse of his favorite band. Panic At the Disco, frontman of the Koichifits, was doing his sick drum solo.    
  
“We need to remove the chemicals.” Bartjime Anasui placed a mask on Koichi’s fask, “Don’t worry, the anestesia will keep you awake just enough to hear the music.”   
  
Koichi began to slip out of consciousness, but he didn’t want to. He wasn’t about to miss this concert.

Koichi began to ascend, his emo phase intensifying. He remembered all the lessons his best friend Rock Lee had taught him before he became a normie. He was now Fallout Panic at the My Chemical Ascension Koichi. 

“I am waking up to ash and dust,” Koichi wiped his brow and sweat his rust, “but I will not breathe in your chemicals!”

Koichi blasted through the side of the ambulance and onto the stage. He was now the frontman of the Koichifits.

“Finally, the king has assumed his rightful throne,” Guy Sensei shed a youthful tear, it wasn’t his. “Are you seeing this Lee?” The jumpsuits man asked, turning to his son. Lee hadn’t been the same, not since the accident. 

He was wearing cargo shorts. He was a soloist on a solo list.

  
“I’m a soloist on a solo list!” Koichi shouted, “I got no floppy disk! Inka inka bottle of ink!” Frontman Fallout Panic at the My Chemical Ascension Koichi whipped his hair back and forth, stamping his feet in Rage Against the Machine.    
  
“Don’t cry to me now baby!” Frontman Fallout Panic at the My Chemical ascension Koichi dabbed, “Your future’s in an oblong box, yeah!”   
  
Dr. Bartjime Anasui held down the gnome with both hands, but it wasn’t enough. The gnome began to dance, making it harder for his rage against the machine to be contained. The doctor pulled out his ‘don’t rage against the machine’ serum and jammed it into the upper arm of the crazed gnome.   
  
Wrong move, doc.   
  
The gnome is even more angry now.   
  
“FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!”

The gnome raged so hard that the machine couldn’t handle it. It began to rage against itself. 

Dr. Bartjime Anasui looked on in horror. He could lose his license for this. If only he was an actual medical professional. 

The gnome climbed up on Fallout Panic at the My Chemical Ascension Koichi’s shoulders and stage dived back onto the stage. 

The laws of physics had been irreparably damaged. TwentyMarkiplier was coming, and something more sinister stood in it’s shadow. Waiting for the chance to arise.

The clock was counting down. Time’s almost up,

“If only we could restart the Unus Annus clock” Josuke Metallica sighed into Gundams shoulder. It had been far too long since he had made an appearance and it was time to change that. All the Unus Annus reuploaded channels had been terminated by the wizard himself. 

“Do not fear, my beautiful mortal,” Gundam boomed, “The wizard shall return soon, and once again destruction shall rain down upon us all.” 

“Uh, thanks babe” Josuke Metallica knew that that was meant to be reassuring, but he couldn’t shake the nagging hourglass shaped hole in his heart.

Suddenly the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer.

The tattoos on both the mens asses began to quiver. Something was coming.

Something big.

*Knock* *Knock*   
  
The door was being knocked on, or was it? Gundam arose from the couch and approached the inspid sound, yanking open the door without looking through the peephole. Wrong move, Tanaka.   
  
A man with a choppy, brown mop of hair on his head was standing in the doorway. His hand fidgeted with his tie, and his eyes refused to look anywhere near Gundam’s face.   
  
“I’m Tony Hajime, former frontman of the Koichifits.” The man blurted out, “And I need your help.”   
  
“For what reasons do you seek assistance from the supreme overlord of ice, mortal?” Gundam crossed his arms and flipped his hair. He only gave pilates lessons on Tuesdays. And today was Thursday. Or was it?   
  
Tony Hajime slapped his free hand to his face and groaned, eyes rolling.   
  
“There’s a woman giving birth at my concert again.”

“ONCE MORE??” Josuke Metallica called out in confusion. Just how many births had already taken place at these concerts.

Gundam did not hesitate. He t-posed up the stairs of his apartment and gathered his supplies. It was gonna be along night. 

“Come my dark devas, we much usher in the destruction of this mortal coil,” Gundam opened up his scarf pouch and his hamsters hopped in one by one. 

Josuke Metallica was still confused. He and Tony Hajime were enveloped in an awkward silence that was only broken by the sound of Gundam’s clapping ass cheeks. He had run out of Cloak Brand underwear, so there was nothing to contain his Gundams. Two fingers were placed under his tongue, they weren’t his. And he whistled as loudly as he could.

Down came the Gundamobile, the only Markipliermobile in France.

“Let’s go post haste.” Gundam jumped in the front seat, feet on the wheel and hands on the other wheel, “We must not let this spawn be ushered into the world in the middle of the cursed ballad.”   
  
“The cursed ballad?” Josuke Metallica crawled in shotgun and butt his feet on the wheel. Hands on the other wheel. “What?”   
  
“He’s talking about The Court of the Crimson Markiplier.” Tony Hajime hopped in the backseat, “Our greatest hit. If that kid is born before the song ends, it could be catastrophic.”   
  
The Gundamobile’s engines revved, he was about to reuse a pizza. Gundam juiced the reused pizza with his bear hands (yes, BEAR hands) and used it as fuel for the Gundamobile. The Bart had become an endangered species and could no longer be used as fuel. 

“Beep beep motherfuckers” The Gundamobile beep beeped as it sped away into the night. There was no time to spare. 

The Court of the Crimson Markiplier as coming to a close. The 5 minute drum solo had been going on for six minutes. Panic at the Disco, the frontman of the Koichifits’s brow glistened with sweat. He was trying to stop the clock, but he was running out of time. 

Everyone knows what happens when you try to stop the clock.

The Gundamobile sped through the streets of Morioh Texas and straight to Spokane Washington where the Koichifits were hosting what hopefully was their best concert of all time and the birth of a new messiah. The Gundamobile crashed on stage, all three of its passengers flying onto the stage and becoming frontmen of the Koichifits.   
  
“Who controls the past now controls the future!” Koichi belted out, it was the last verse of The Court of the Crimson Markiplier, sweat poured from his head. Rust dripped onto his Koichifits merch. He huffed in and out, chemicals coming and going out of his lungs.   
  
The microphone was suddenly ripped from his hand.   
  
“On soft grey mornings, Koichi cries. Guy Sensei snorts some coke. I run to stop the clock, while wearing the brand Cloak. The Gundamobile lost a wheel, and Santa Claus got awaaaaayyyy,”

Josuke Metallica softly sung to appease the Gnome’s wife’s labor pains. The last two lines of the song were just a sneeze away.

The last two lines of Guy Sensei’s coke were sneezed away. 

  
It was the past now. But also the present now. And the future now. Right about now. The Funk Soul Brother. 

It was now present day, present time.

Or was it?

The puppets were all dancing now.

In the Court of the Crimson Markiplier.


End file.
